Self-confidence is one of those funny things.  You don’t really understand it until you get it.  No, not “get it” like understand it, I mean get it like “get it.”  Self-confidence is a process and a difficult one at that.  Our culture does several things to keep you from getting it as well as giving it to you under false assumptions.  Let me explain.

First, the world we live in teaches that failure is bad and that the more you fail, the worse off you get.  If you have been reading any of my posts lately, you know that failure is actually a means to success.  From failure we not only learn the wrong way to do things, but we also learn that doing things wrong is ok because we can learn from those “failures” and build our confidence from the lessons learned.

Second, our society has gone overboard to make sure that everyone feels good.  Somehow by rewarding people, especially children, for everything they do will somehow build up their self-esteem and self-confidence.  Well I suppose it will short term, but what happens when they get into the real world where simply “participating” get’s you just about nothing?

You can choose to agree or disagree with my comments in the previous two paragraphs but the bottom line is that “authentic” self-confidence is the only thing that will provide lasting results.  So let’s take a look at the idea of self-confidence.

WHY DO I NEED SELF-CONFIDENCE?

Self-confidence is the tool that allows you to be you.  Not just you, but the best you that you can be.  We all have beliefs and those beliefs make up who we are.  The problem is that when we don’t have the confidence to “walk our talk” it results in a less authentic model of who we are. Maybe even someone we are not.

WHERE DO I GET SELF-CONFIDENCE?

You build self-confidence by doing the right things at the right times no matter what other people will think.  If this is a new concept for you, it won’t be easy at the beginning.  But continue and people will recognize you as a trusted, respected individual.  Even if they don’t agree with you, they will appreciate the fact that you actually believe in something and are willing to stand behind it.

WHAT DO I DO WITH SELF-CONFIDENCE?

Do you consider what other people will think of you when you speak or act in a certain way? Or are you so totally convicted by what you believe in that you will do what you do and say what you say regardless of what other people think.  Now I am not saying don’t be respectful or courteous, just be solid in who you are.  That is what self-confidence does for you.  As my mentor John Maxwell has taught us; “you cannot give what you do not have.”

Go back to the title of this post.  What would you try if you had the confidence to do it?  I know there is at least one thing.  Did you know that most people have more regrets for things they wanted to do and didn’t than things they did do and wish they hadn’t? [Tweet This]

Simple challenge for you today folks.  Make a list of the things you want to do but have not had the self-confidence to do, pick one, and GO DO IT!

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Barry Smith   12/9/13   photo by author   © Building What Matters 2013

The post If I Had The Self-Confidence To Do It, I Would _____________! appeared first on BUILDING WHAT MATTERS.COM.

The 5 Pillars is a project that I have been working on for almost two years and had a great time with the official launch of “The 5 Pillars of Influential Leadership” Coaching program on May 23th.

Why the 5 Pillars?  I have spent more than 30 years in the business world and although it has been primarily in the Construction world, the 5 Pillars philosophy works across all industries.  In fact, while developing this program I realized that it can have a significant impact on your personal life as well.

I will break down each Pillar into three sections, personal, business and community. Any growth or improvement needs to start within, with the end goal of influencing the community you live in.  In this post we will take a look at PERSONAL COMMUNICATION.

Whoever said “Communication is the key to everything” was right.  Effective communication skills not only will deliver your message correctly, but will allow you to continue to move in a positive direction towards your goals.

CHARISMA

Charisma is the unique quality that some people have that enables them to add expression such as body language and tonality to the way in which they communicate.  Clearly some people are more charismatic than others, but we all have the ability to express our words in a passionate way.

PREPARATION

Nothing is worse that listening to someone who has no idea what they are talking about.  Actually there is one thing worse … when they act like they do know when they don’t.  If you are not prepared to speak or answer intelligently, don’t!

ENTHUSIASM

Unlike charisma, enthusiasm is simply being excited about what your communicating.  I believe charisma is something you have but enthusiasm is contagious.  Be enthusiastic in your communication and others will be as well.

LISTENING

Listening is the most important part of communication.  When we listen to what is being said we show respect.  We also actually understand better what is being said by keeping our mouths closed.  Focus on the individual that is speaking and let them finish before you interject.  I was once told, “don’t write yourself into the story, let the person you are speaking with do it for you.”

INTUITION

I believe intuition is most powerful when we are good listeners.  Intuition is the product of our life experiences that have been stored away in our subconscious as manifested by a triggering event.  We all have it, but it takes awareness to access it.

AUTHENTICITY

Nobody likes a fake.  If you come across as authentic, people will value your words or your message.  If you do not appear authentic, you will lose the interest of your audience fast and forever.

PATIENCE

Remember that listening thing?  Sometimes it requires a great deal of patience to hear another person out.  We have a tendency to want to interject with the “genius” contribution we just came up with.  Be patient and let the other person finish and you will gain their confidence in you.

HUMILITY

Be willing to admit your mistakes and do not boast of your successes.  Humility is a great way to show others that you are sincere and truly care.  The opposite side of humility is arrogance.  Have you seen anything good come from that lately?

HONESTY

Honesty is the best policy.  You never have to remember the truth and once you are viewed as an honest person, you become an influential person.  People won’t buy in to what you are doing if they don’t buy into you.

The 5 Pillars coaching program will take each topic to a much deeper level.  We will explore open ended questions and how they are directly impacting your life and more specifically in this segment, will allow you to evaluate and understand your role in growing your business.

In the mean time, start asking the type of questions that will result in better answers. When you ask “How can I”  you get an answer that will move the needle.  “What can I do today to improve the way I communicate with others?”  Answer that question, act on it, and you will succeed.

RELATED:

• Click here to see Part 1
• Click here to see Part 2
• Click here to see Part 3
• Click here to see Part 4
• Click here to see Part 5
• Click here to see Part 6
• Click here to see Part 7
• Click here to see Part 8
• Click here to see Part 9
• Click here to see Part 10
• For more on The 5 Pillars of Influential Leadership and to view my video click here
• To view my guest post in the 2013 International Leadership Blogathon click here

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Barry Smith    6/20/13   photo by author   © Building What Matters 2013

The post The 5 Pillars Of Influential Leadership – Part 11: My Communication appeared first on BUILDING WHAT MATTERS.COM.

One of my favorite quotes by John Maxwell is “People don’t care about how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
I believe that the best way to let people know how much you care is to communicate in a way that tells them you do.

One of the biggest challenges I have had to overcome in an ongoing effort to improve my communication skills is active listening.  In the past, I have had a tendency to respond with my opinion before the other person had even finished their thought.  My guess is that if you are willing to be honest with yourself, you have been guilty of the same act.

It takes effort to be a great communicator and we all know the importance of communication.  The problem lies in the fact that we are typically more concerned about adding value with our “opinion” then we are will simply listening to someone else’s.  OK guys, I know we are “fixers” and have some strange desire to save the world by solving every problem that comes along.  Guess what?  Most of the conversations we are involved in, don’t require any fixing.

Have you ever wondered why women speak more words per day then men do?  It’s because they are more concerned about the relationship and less concerned about “fixing things.”  Intentional or not, women are better communicators.  Their genetic makeup allows them to care more about what is being said.

Alright, this post is not about a battle of the sexes, it is about being a better communicator and how that can improve our lives and raise our level of success in whatever we are doing.

The thing that people want more than anything is to feel valued.  The best way we can do this is to validate their feelings.  I know … guys don’t talk about feelings, right? Well, that is right to a certain extent.  Remember when I said that women are better communicators?  This is why – their focus is on the relationship.

Again, this has statistically been shown to be true so it’s not just me saying it.  The fact is, women are better at validating the feelings of the person they are communicating with.  So let’s all take note here, not of the gender issue, but of the simple fact that validating a person for how they feel, regardless of how you may really feel, opens the door to interject what you believe and creates an environment that is conducive to better “two-way” communication.

Are you being HONEST and AUTHENTIC when communicating?  Do you practice PATIENCE when LISTENING?  Are you ENTHUSIASTIC and CHARISMATIC about the things that matter to you?

Do you use words that AFFIRM and ENCOURAGE?  Does your DECISION MAKING help in PROBLEM SOLVING and CONFLICT RESOLUTION?  Are you being held ACCOUNTABLE for your PLANNING and TIME MANAGEMENT practices?

Are you clear on your MISSION and your VALUES?  Is MANAGEMENT being RESPONSIBLE in protecting your REPUTATION and in providing CUSTOMER SERVICE?

We need to let our conversations focus on the person that we are communicating with and allow them to write us into the conversation.  Until that happens, they are not going to care what we know anyway.

So today’s encouragement is this:  The next time you want someone to care about what you know, you better let them know how much you care!

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On May 23rd, at 8:00 pm ET, I will be hosting a free call introducing “The 5 Pillars Of Influential Leadership” Coaching Program.

This will be a content filled call that will not only teach you about influential leadership but also about leading an intentional and successful life.  The words in capitals above are topics within Pillar #4 – COMMUNICATION.

This is the fourth of five posts related to the 5 Pillars that will go out prior to the call on the 23rd.

For more information and to register for the free call CLICK HERE.

To see the first video on Pillar #1 – AWARENESS click here

To see the second video on Pillar #2 – ENVIRONMENT click here

To see the third video on Pillar #3 – GROWTH click here

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Barry Smith    5/20/13   photo by author   © Building What Matters 2013

The post Do Your COMMUNICATION Skills Tell People You Care? appeared first on BUILDING WHAT MATTERS.COM.